Goals for 2012

I am totally stealing this idea from my friend Briana:

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She writes:
I really enjoy setting goals, especially since becoming a mom. I think because the task of parenting is so incredibly daunting to me most days, and the goal of parenting often seems intangible, difficult to measure and impossible to obtain, I nearly crave goals that are otherwise.

So, at the start of each year, I take stock. As I consider the present circumstances, I anticipate the future possibilities as best I can given all things remain the same (which, of course, we all know they do not!)

To me, 30 days seems more doable than 365...I'm hoping that some of the things I attempt in the following 30 day challenges may just "stick" and last beyond 30 days, maybe even 365 days. We'll see!

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So, thanks to Bri's post (with a shout out to her hubby because it was his idea) I did alittle brainstorming and came up with this:

JANUARY: 30 mins. cardio, 3 days a week; 15 mins. toning/flexiblity the other 4 days

FEBRUARY: affirm/encourage my husband daily

MARCH: write a note of encouragement to someone each day

APRIL: memorize a verse of Scripture daily

MAY: fast from sweets

JUNE: spend 15 minutes daily improving a space in my home or yard

JULY: make raw fruits and vegetables 50% of what I consume every day

AUGUST: select something daily to donate or give away

SEPTEMBER: spend 15 mins. doing something "creative" each day

OCTOBER: affirm/encourage my children every day

NOVEMBER: repeat a 30 day challenge

DECEMBER: write down what I'm thankful for each day

This Season...

...has been busier than I anticipated. Guess I thought life would settle down after we got into the swing of the school year. But life rarely adheres to my expectations. (I know, surprise, surprise.) How comforting it is to know that there is One who is infinitely wise and powerful orchestrating our lives.

Is it just me, or does this time of year seem to be extra "charged"? You can almost feel it in the air. Maybe it's the tension and stress in the people around you that seems more tangible. The holidays are just around the corner, the consumer-driven frenzy seems to have started even earlier (what is up with THAT?!), and to quote the Berenstain Bears, the "galloping greedy gimmies" are on full display. There are days and nights where I just want to stay home and completely shut out the world.

But the world does not go away.

And I am called to be in the world, but not of it.

I am charged to be the hands and feet of Christ to those around me. And if my eyes are open, the needs go on and on and on.

This season has been one in which numerous people in our circle of relationships have had pressing needs...so many are heavy in nature. My heart has been overwhelmed and burdened with the load I see them carrying. I aim to be bold but find myself hesitating because I want the assurance that it'll be the perfect "gift" at the perfect time. I vacillate between wanting to do something to alleviate their suffering, and worrying that I'll over commit myself (and our finances) during this season of already feeling the strain.

Then I remember who my Provider is, and who is the Giver of all wisdom, and I pray.

I pray for the discernment to know what I am to be about, each and every day.
To be lavish in my love towards others, not holding back out of fear or worry or selfishness.
To be wise, and full of faith.
To preserve family time together, and enjoy simple pleasures.
To point to Jesus in all situations, and to teach my children to be looking for Him too.

Lord, help us to be about You and your purposes in this season.

Why We Do What We Do--Part 1

We are not purists, here at the Winkler household.

When it comes to food sources and products we use, our efforts to go green and natural have happened very gradually over the last 5 years. Slowly but surely, change has come, and hopefully we've maintained a healthy attitude of balance throughout.

Before all of this began, I confess that when I heard the word "organic" I immediately thought "food snob", and mentally dismissed the issue with a "what's the big deal anyway". My husband was the first to look into the matter, and when he said he'd like to find a source for hormone-free beef I just went along with it.

Later, we began watching documentaries and films like SUPER-SIZE ME, FOOD INC., and THE WORLD ACCORDING TO MONSANTO, reading books like PASTURED POULTRY PROFITS, and THE OMNIVORE'S DILEMMA, and asking questions of our farmer friends.

We learned what certain labels on our food meant, and which claims were misleading. (For example: "Hormone-Free" really only applies to beef, because, by law, poultry and pigs are not allowed to receive hormones. So when you see this claim on a package of chicken, it means absolutely nothing.)

We learned about the digestive systems of animals, the importance of "salad" in their diet, the value of certain grains, and just as important if not moreso, the way the animals are processed.

Along with all of this information, we have been conscious of the natural tendency we all have to drift to extremes. To fear, disallusionment, obsessiveness, and self-suffiency. "Self-sufficiency?" you ask. Yes. Because when we are dependant solely on ourselves for our health and well-being, we will be frustrated. Being wise stewards of our physical bodies needs to flow out of trust in our True Sustainer. Even the most healthy body is still a finite body that will fail. But, neither is that an excuse to toss the issue aside, as if the physical condition of our body and what we choose to put into it isn't also a spiritual issue.

This article, CAN NATURAL LIVING BECOME AN IDOL, addresses what TRULY is most important if you too are pursuing this kind of lifestyle. My husband and I have been conscious that our children are taking their cues from us. So how we talk about certain foods will be repeated. The challenge is to use words that truthfully and adequately explain why some foods are better for our bodies, without giving our children "ammunition" to (knowingly or unknowingly) blast others who choose differently. We want them to appreciate natural, healthy foods without a superiority complex. (We want this for ourselves!)

Things we've wrestled with:
1. When given the opportunity to host or provide a meal for someone, are we tempted to keep our "good" meat for ourselves, or do we wish to bless our friends with our best?
2. When discussing our food choices with others, do we model humility, or do we hinder fellowship because we are consciously or unconsciously forcing our views on them?
3. Are we tempted to buy "organic" at the expense of our budget? Are we tithing regularly and giving generously to those in need, or have we elevated our food budget beyond what it should be?
4. When eating a meal that someone else has provided, do we model thankfulness and tact, or do we turn up our nose and slight them by refusing what they've prepared?
5. Are we prone to fear? Has "healthy food" become our highest goal and gospel?

Some of you will read these posts and struggle with frustration, because you desire to make changes, but for whatever reason you cannot. For others, it's TOO MUCH INFORMATION--and not knowing feels better. I understand. I've been in all of these positions.

I urge you to press on. To continue to trust in God's provision, in all seasons. To be content where He has you. Natural Living will look different for all of us. We have varying bank accounts, geographical demographics, possibilities and priorities, but I hope these posts inform and encourage you.

Multitude Monday #1

My friend Danielle has been doing this for awhile, and she borrowed the idea from Ann Voskamp's blog "A Holy Experience".

Multitude Monday is about intentionally fixing my eyes on God's blessings, big and small, whatever the season, whether life is good or the road has been rocky.
Here it goes, in no particular order:


1. My husband. Pete works so hard and diligently, not only to provide for our family, but to bless others. Renovating? He's there. Moving? Check. Fixing and helping maintain household things for his mom? No hesitation. His gift is serving. And I am on the receiving end of it on a regular basis. Love you, Honey!

2. Iced coffee. Since I rarely drink juice or soda, this is my beverage of choice after water. Okay, sometimes before water.

3. Our home. It's just the right size for our family of four. I can be tempted to fret when we have people over because it gets tight and loud quickly, but I'd rather a small, cozy home than one where everyone spreads out and doesn't interact until it's necessary. Personal space is important, but you learn valuable life lessons by sharing small quarters. Our home is God's good provision.

4. My grandfather is home. It's been a long road to recovery since his heart valve surgery in mid-March (followed by stroke, pneumonia, a pacemaker and feeding tube). Throughout his stints in the rehab center and the retirement facility, he worked with a physical therapist, re-learning how to do basic everyday tasks. They say he is a poster child for PT! I'm so thankful and proud of the way that he and Grandma walked through this very difficult season.

5. The sweet scent of my children's skin after their bath.

6. Watermelon. LOVE IT! I'd eat it morning, noon, and night if I could. It's also a great healthy snack that doesn't thwart my plan to eat right.

7. Our church family at Crossway Church of Lancaster. Last Sunday night we broke ground for our new building on the church farm property! So exciting! After 29 years of renting space it has been thrilling to recall how God brought this all about, and to consider what it will be like to (hopefully) celebrate our 30th anniversary next summer in our new building!

8. My DOGGERS. For less than $10 my feet have been very happy to not be in flipflops anymore. I balked at the whole Croc fad, disliking the bulky, floppy fit, thinking that my feet would sweat in them. My DOGGERS are narrow-fitting, dark brown, cushion my heel, support my arches, and don't make my feet stink. Cheers all around!

9. Chicken in my freezer!!! Last Monday was our first processing day of 2011--a busy day, but totally worth it. We ♥ Pastured Poultry!

10. Celebrating Natalia and Adam's 1/2 Birthdays this past weekend with my parents, Pete's mom, and my brother Joe's family.

11. Having Pete home to work on numerous house projects that have been on hold for the last year (some longer). I'm thankful for his wide range of handyman skills. He's a keeper for sure!

12. The way Adam wraps his little arms around my neck, squeezes hard, and says "I wuv you!"

13. A big box of blueberries to freeze, fresh raspberries, and corn-on-the-cob.

14. Developing friendships with women from church. Anytime you move or go through a significant season-of-life change, it can take a long time before you're able to name your closest friends. I've really struggled with this since we moved back "home" to Lancaster 4 years ago. I have many acquaintances, family closeby, and a number of people I was once close to in this area, but that's completely different from having 2-3 "sisters" who know me well enough to grow me, who I can call about whatever, whenever. God has been answering this prayer of my heart, slowing but surely.

15. That God is a perfectly loving, redemptive, and patient Father. I grow so weary of my sin, yet continue to fall short every minute of every day. But my failure serves a great purpose--to remind me of my need for a Savior. He is not surprised that I sin. He is capable of loving me anyway. He will never look at me in my pitiful state, having committed the same sin AGAIN, and say "That's it! You've used up your allotment of grace. We're through." No. His mercies are new EVERY morning, and I am His forevermore. Thank You, Jesus.

The Vacation That Almost Didn't Happen...

Saturday, a week ago, we packed the car to the gills, crammed in the kiddos, and headed east. We'd been waiting 2 years for this day. And 45 minutes later our car started bucking.

Last I checked, that is NOT a good sign.

Now, my husband is pretty handy when it comes to automobiles. He immediately went into diagnostic mode. But until we could find a shop open, we were in a tricky spot. (Don't forget the youngun's in the back seat who had been up since the crack of dawn , psyched and ready to be there already!)

We were 5 minutes from our rendevous point where we'd planned to meet up with my parents and caravan the remaining 2 1/2 hours together. Immediately, I began to pray; the lyrics of one of the kids worship songs that had been stuck in my head all morning suddenly seemed less random. :-)

Good and gracious

You're our Creator

Good and gracious

To all You've made You're

Good and gracious

You never change, there's goodness

in everything You do

~Good and Gracious, TO BE LIKE JESUS, (c) Sovereign Grace Kids

It was exactly what I needed to keep front and center in my mind! It positioned my heart to remain calm, to trust God, to be looking for His provision and goodness in the midst of circumstances where my natural inclination was to worry, complain, or throw a pity party.

Long story short, we were on the road again within 2 hours, thanks to Steven at the Shell station and a new spark plug. We were $40 poorer, but had food in our bellies, and immediately were able to see the many ways in which God had been kind to us.

We could have had to ditch the car and go home.

We could have been in the middle of nowhere when the car pooped out on us.

Instead, we were within a mile of numerous car mechanic shops (on the third try we found Steven), an auto parts store across the street, a sub shop where we could grab something to eat, it was a pleasantly warm (dry!) morning, there was a shaded area to eat and keep the kids occupied, and my parents were there to help us juggle the decisions and kids!

3 hours later...we arrived, everything was unloaded, and it was time to let the relaxation begin!

Here are a few shots from the first few days.

Avery, reinacting his initial reaction to seeing the beach, "Hey, there is no water at this beach!"

Early mornings = blank canvas.

The construction toys were in high demand in our little umbrella city.

The girls were much braver this year.

Natalia is our little water bug.

My brother Joe and sis-in-law Kim...and baby bump!

Grandma's still life w/bananas watercolor class.

Check in tomorrow for PART TWO...

Natalia

Early in March, I took Natalia to her annual cardiologist appointment. She did pretty well through the 2 hour visit (EKG, echocardiogram, etc.) and there has always been some leakage from the sites where the two main arteries of her heart were reattached after her arterial switch surgery at 6 days old. And every year when we go for her check-up, the leakage has been about the same.

This year her test results showed more leakage/spurting, caused by slightly tightening arteries, putting strain on those old incision sites. They wanted to put her on blood pressure medication to help the arteries relax. (We have not had any restrictions or medication for her since she came home from the hospital at 3 weeks old--just routine checkups.)

Listed side effects from the medication are mainly tiredness and sore throat, both of which we noticed right away. I guess we just expected the tiredness to be at the beginning...not chronic.

We didn't foresee...the bear. The shortened fuse. Scratch that--the non-existant fuse.

She's a determined and vocal little gal, and has never been shy when expressing herself, the good, the bad, and the ugly. But what I've been struggling with, (since I'm the one at home doing the bulk of the disciplining), is how do I allow for real chemical imbalances, yet viligantly shepherd her heart?

I know I am more prone to put my inner sinner on full display when I am physically feeling low. Especially when it is for days on end. Especially with my closest family members.

This little one has been chronically tired for nearly 2 months, no matter how diligently we get her to bed early. She's been a different girl since we started the medication. Very different.

If this new medication is inducing these changes in her behavior, (the frequent explosions of anger, the rebellion and ignoring correction, the regressing on the potty front--though it seems only at home) then how best do I (we) respond?

We do not believe her behavior is caused by the medication alone--but think it is definately heightening her responses. Increasing them to the tenth degree.

I've been crying out to the Lord for wisdom. To know what questions to ask and how best to navigate the confusing and overwhelming medical scene. (We're dealing with her vital organ, afterall.) For God to quiet our daughter with His peace, and give us wisdom how to discipline her. For Him to instruct my heart as I've grown weary at times, feeling like I'm continually walking through a minefield. And to keep my attitude soft and compassionate towards her, not frustrated or angry because of yet another meltdown over something I deem insignificant.

I suspect that for Natalia, life probably feels out of control. She's trying to keep it together all day long, and then the littlest thing feels like too much. Pray that I openly model dependance on the Lord to her. Pray for healing.

She is our gift, our miracle baby. God has a future and a purpose for her life, and He can be trusted at all times.

All Has Not Been Quiet...

...on the Winkler homefront, though my blog has. It has rightfully taken up residence on the back burner these last few weeks.

But, I thought I'd write a few posts this week to share what's been keeping me away.

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Weathering.

*to expose to the weather; dry, season, or otherwise affect by exposure to the air or atmosphere

*to discolor, disintegrate, or affect injuriously, as by the effects of weather

*to bear up against and come safely through (a storm, danger, trouble, etc.)

The word "weathering" conjures up many different meanings, moods, and thoughts, but it fits well with how life has felt lately.

We've been bearing up against the late onset of Spring. Those of you at home with young kiddos can heartily agree.

We've been experiencing numerous physical challenges on the home front. The kids have had 10 medical appointments since January--not a single one for sickness/flu though!

Pete has had one very difficult classroom of kids this semester. God is growing him through this hard time, seasoning him, but it's been stressful.

And people we dearly love are experiencing great loss and grief. Our hearts hurt...

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There have been some definate and prolonged challenges lately, but God has been faithful to bring to my mind past answers to prayer to inspire hope, Scripture to instruct my heart with Truth that fits the moment, and simple pleasures and joys that brighten the day, no matter if the sun is shining or hiding behind storm clouds.

A song I heard while in the car the other day really encouraged me. It's by Laura Story, and I'm going to copy the lyrics here:

We pray for blessings, we pray for peace

Comfort for family, protection while we sleep

We pray for healing, for prosperity

We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering

All the while You hear each spoken need

Yet love is way too much to give us lesser things

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops?

What if your healing comes through tears?

What if a thousand sleepless nights

are what it takes to know You're near?

What if trials of this life

are Your mercies in disguise?

We pray for wisdom, Your voice to hear

We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near

We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love

As if every promise from Your Word is not enough

And all the while You hear each desperate plea

And long that we'd have faith to believe

When friends betray us, when darkness seems to win

We know that pain reminds this heart

That this is not, this is not our home

It's not our home

What if my greatest disappointments,

Or the aching of this life,

Is the revealing of a greater thirst

This world can't satisfy?

And what if trials of this life?

The rain, the storms, the hardest nights?

Are Your mercies in disguise?

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You Say Hoary, I Say Hairy

Yesterday morning's frigid temp's yielded a beautiful sight--hoar frost!

All that is needed for this breathtaking display is the combination of freezing temperatures, low winds, low-lying fog and clear skies. The clear skies allow the plants and other surfaces to cool more quickly that the surrounding air, and the moisture crystallizes in a thick, hairy frost.


I know I've said it before, but I just LOVE the scenery yielded by our pre-school commute.


Round-trip, it is less than 10 miles, is solely confined to back country roads, sprawling farms, a lazy winding creek, 2 covered bridges...oh, and a construction site with enough diggers, graders, and dump trucks to endlessly delight my kiddos.


This morning's frost was a feast for the eyes, like God had sprinkled sugary feathers over everything.


While I'm still itchin' for spring, it was a reminder that there are blessings in every season.

Just like my impatience for spring, I've been struggling with impatience in being physically made low (my knees taking a long time to recovery). BUT, there IS blessing for me in this season. And it doesn't take long to discover it, once I stop whining (whether spoken or suppressed).

Two Steps Forward, One Step Back

Day 1 and 2 (Week 1) of my exercise routine went great. I definately felt some unused, hidden, wimpy muscles were being worked. Saturday, Day 3 started out bright dark and early at 6am--a frigid 21 degrees. After my 5 minute warm-up walk I began my first run.

Something didn't feel right. Ouch. What is wrong with my knees?

Just power through it. It'll probably get better if I keep going. It's cold out, but I'm not. This weather is actually invigorating.

Second run, ouch ouch ouch! What is going on?!

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I toughed it out through half of the runs and walked the rest of my 1/2 hour. I was hurting but I just wanted to finish. I didn't think I had pulled anything. I had often struggled with shin splints in high school when I played sports. I always just powered through and then rested.

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6 days later: I've been hobbling around ever since, taking ibuprofen, icing, resting, and it's only getting worse. I finally went to the doctor. I've strained my medial patellar retinaculum-a muscle on the inside of your knee-nothing too serious, albeit painful. I was sent home with a prescription, some exercises to strengthen my creaky ol' knees, and the advice to take extra care to warm up on those cold mornings. Pounding the pavement is hard enough on the knees.

Evidence of God's kindness: the nurse practitioner following the doctor that day shared with me that she knew what I was going through. Active as a teen, she didn't really get much exercise till she started a similar 5k training program at the age of 35, and injured the same part of her knees.

It was the encouragement I needed. I had been wrestling with discouragment all week, wanting to feel better so I could get out and exercise, but being physically unable. Just the fact that I now desired to exercise was evidence of God working in my heart. But I had also been secretly fearful I'd experience a setback in this new venture. I fought to tune out the, "See? Why try? Give up." echoing in my head.

This past week I've come to the realization that I need to trust God even for my body's ability to function and work properly. Silly, because I would have told you I believed God created me and sustained me, but again I was functionally faithless until faced with injury.

I took the first of my medication yesterday, the next dose to come in the morning. All evening I was in agony. I guess it just took awhile for it to kick in. Thankfully it did in the wee hours of the morning because I was literally in tears. This morning when I pulled myself out of bed I couldn't believe the change. I could actually walk! It could still be awhile until I'm back to normal, but each day I feel slight improvement.

Today I am thanking God for many things...that His mercies are new every morning, for reminding me of Truth throughout the lows of this past week, for medicine and the care of the medical community, for a week in which I could rest without too much difficulty in our schedule, and the care and concern of loved ones.

Isaiah 40:31
but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength;they shall mount up with wings like eagles;they shall run and not be weary;they shall walk and not faint.

Onward...

What's Different This Time...

A few weeks ago I posted on how, in my struggle with my weight, the role of food in my life, and my solution attempts, I've been functionally Godless. I'd recognize that God was the one bringing convinction, but when I'd seek to do something about it, I would proceed in my own strength and wisdom.

For those of you who are wondering why the food we eat has anything to do with God or spirituality, let me encourage you to keep reading.

First of all, one of the things God impressed on me a few weeks back was that He needed to play the central role this time. I've been asking Him to show me how to do that, and what resources I should use. I've been so encouraged and filled with hope because He has and continues to do so.


First of all, I'm using my cravings as a prompt to pray. Praying about our struggles seems like a no-brainer, right? But I never did that when it came to this issue! Now, when I really want to snack on what I'm craving instead of practicing restraint or choosing something beneficial for my body, I pray.

As I've put myself out there and shared, I've had others who struggle with the same thing reach out to me. I never had that before. New friendships are being born and having their partnership and accountability has fueled me.

I found an excellent book to read during my quiet time with the Lord each morning. MADE TO CRAVE: SATISFYING YOUR DEEPEST DESIRE WITH GOD, NOT FOOD by Lysa TerKeurst. Her writing is super honest, funny, and theologically spot-on.

I am thankful for how God has been leading Pete and I to make healthier food source choices in the last few years. While we still have much room for improvement, that part of the equation isn't the biggest issue. My attitude towards food and lack of exercise get top billing. This book has been so very helpful in showing me the deeper, spiritual issues at work in my heart.

My hubby agreed to do the Couch to 5k program with me for the next 9 weeks. It's free, the schedule can be found easily online, and combines walking and running--slowly but steadily increasing your ability to run 3 miles.

Running scares me. Years ago I was super athletic. Now, my unused muscles are protesting and the hills are alive with the sound of groaning. But I'm doing it! Pete is faithfully kicking me out of bed (figuratively speaking, of course) at 5:30am three mornings a week, and I'm lapping my neighborhood in the pitch black dark--my headlamp keeping me from slipping on any ice.

A few quotes from Lysa's book.

"Is it possible we love and rely on food more than we love and rely on God?" ..."I had to get honest enough to admit it: I relied on food more than I relied on God. I craved food more than I craved God. Food was my comfort. Food was my reward. Food was my joy. Food was what I turned to in times of stress, sadness, and even in times of happiness."

"Does God really care about our food?" ..."Yes, I think He does."..."God never intended for us to want anything more than we want Him. Just the slightest glimpse into His Word proves that. Look at what the Bible says about God's chosen people, the Israelites, when they wanted food more than they wanted God: 'They willfully put God to the test by demanding the food they craved' (Psalm 78:18). Yikes."

"...a funny truth to share about the healthy eating plan I chose. Basically, I eat what a wild animal eats--meat and things that grow naturally from the earth. Only I cook my food and use manners. I was immediately encouraged by the possibilities of this new eating plan because I have yet to see an overweight animal in the wild lamenting over excess cellulite."

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Thanks for all of you who have expressed that you are praying for me in this area. I truly appreciate it.

Functionally Godless

I love our church. We are incredibly blessed and well-served by our pastoral team, and this past Sunday was a prime example.



Steve Heitland spoke on the Resurrection and Grace of Jesus Christ--the fact that Christ's body actually rose from the dead, AND why that resurrection is vital to the Christian faith. It is the crux of grace. Grace for true and lasting change.



I encourage you to take a listen to his message here. It's alittle over 30 minutes long. The latter part includes a very personal testimony of his, and it was just what I needed to hear. He shared about an area of his life that has been "functionally Godless". I could identify with his struggle so closely.



I thought I'd share a bit of my story with you all. Maybe you can identify. I hope you'll be encouraged and filled with fresh hope, as I am.

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I've always struggled with my weight--both ends of the spectrum.



As a young girl I was thin and very athletic. Around the time that I entered junior high, I began to notice the other girls in my class and constantly compared myself to them. I also took note of the way my figure would attract attention from the boys. I felt so very insecure about every other part of my appearance, but my body was one thing that bolstered my confidence. And it became an unhealthy obsession...idolatry.



I began starving myself. I took pride in how little I could eat in a given day. Yet, I'd experience bouts of depression and would eat for comfort. Immediately afterward, waves of guilt and shame would wash over me and I'd begin the cycle all over again. And I'd lie to everyone who loved me to continue the farce. Later on, I'd come to realize how out-of-control this part of my life was, yet at the time I felt it was something I genuinely COULD control, and that gave me such satisfaction.



Thankfully, after graduating from high school I entered a missions program that would take me to Central America for a number of months, and the spiritual training prior and the cross-cultural experience itself would transform my life. During this season, God graciously allowed me to see my sin, my deception, grant me freedom from fear, and birth in me a desire to live differently. It would be a start in a new direction.



Years later though, I'm married, working, finishing my degree, and then we start a family and I'm at home full-time. I'm putting on pounds and becoming a lot less active. I make goals for myself and quickly fail. I try and give up again and again, feeling hopeless to change.



God's grace was always available to me, and I'd recognize my need for Him when conviction would come after a period of doing nothing. But, as soon as I'd begin my course of action, I'd leave God out of it. I believed He was part of the solution, but functionally I was living like He wasn't. I was depending on my own ability to "get serious" or "put forth more effort". Looking back over my track record it's not hard to see how futile my attempts were. (Besides, I'm convinced that any success I've had doing things on my own has only tempted my heart towards pride and self-righteousness!)



In this particular area of my life, I have been functionally Godless.

(Boy, that is so hard to say, yet it's the truth.)



Today, tomorrow, and the next day, and as many days after that as it takes, THIS is my prayer and resolve:



Because of Christ's finished work on the cross to save me, a sinner, I have the Holy Spirit to help me change. I am powerless to do it on my own.



I am loved and accepted by God, regardless of my failures and successes. But, He is committed to finishing all the good purposes He has for my life, in and through me, and I'm going to cooperate with Him. I'm inviting Him into this area of my life. I'm giving Him control.



Boundless grace and hope for change are mine. :-)

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Pray for me, will ya?

Our Ebenezer

Some of you were asking me recently, what type of heart defect Natalia had when she was born. I was looking back through my blog posts and realized I had never really explained it. I also thought I'd include "our story" in this post as a way of recording it for the future.


Here is a simple explanation from the American Heart Association website for D-Transposition of the Great Arteries/Vessels. (If you are interested in learning about other congenital heart defects, their website is very helpful in putting things in layman's terms.)
*Italics are mine.


TGV--What is it?


A heart in which the two main arteries carrying blood away from the heart are reversed. (Instead of crossing, they run parallel.)


A normal blood pattern carries blood in a cycle: body-heart-lungs-heart-body.


When a d-transposition occurs, the blood pathway is impaired because the two arteries are connecting to the wrong chambers in the heart.


This means that the blood flow cycle is stuck in either:
body–heart –body (without being routed to the lungs for oxygen) or
lungs–heart–lungs (without delivering oxygen to the body)
This results in blue baby symptoms, and is rapidly fatal unless intervention occurs.

Without surgery, the only way to survive this condition temporarily is to have leakages that allow some oxygen-rich blood to cross into the oxygen-poor blood for delivery to the body. A hospital facility can also catheterize a patient until corrective surgery can be performed.


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Our story:
I was just thinking the other morning about the day I gave birth to Natalia.


I had had a normal pregnancy (4 months of 24-hour nausea, but normal). I had no health issues, no heart disease in our immediate family history, and normal ultrasound results. Natalia's condition was completely unexpected.


I remember the joy of hearing "it's a girl!", having her placed on my belly and Pete cutting the cord. Through the blur of tears I told him, "You were right! We have a girl!"


My doctor, who had been such a calm presence during the delivery, simply said to the nurses standing by to "have a closer look" at her, that he was concerned about her color. Pete was more aware of what was going on than I, and noticed that very quickly more nurses showed up and things appeared urgent. The doctor then told us that they were going to take Natalia down the hall and he'd return in a few minutes to let us know how she was doing.


We were in shock. We honestly were protected by it. Had we known the full scope of what was happening, oh my...


When the doctor returned he gently told us of her heart defect. (The man had incredible bedside manner!) He said they were doing all they could to stabilize her and he'd let us know more when he could.


As Pete began making calls to our family, church and close friends, reality began to sink in just a bit. We knew very little, yet even what we knew seemed so daunting. But from the very first moments, God's unexplainable, unsurpassable peace flooded our hearts. We sensed acutely the many prayers being uttered on our behalf. (Even on this day, as I write these words, my eyes well up with thankfulness. Thankfulness for the believers that surrounded us. People we didn't even know.)


We would get to touch her hand through the hole in the side of her transport cart before they took her to the University of Maryland Medical Center, which was an hour south of where we lived. It would be 4 days later, on my 29th birthday, that I would get to hold her for the first time. The best birthday gift I've ever received!


Natalia would spend the first 5 days in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit. Weighing 8 lbs., 8 1/2 oz., she was obviously a cardio baby at first glance to anyone who walked in those doors. Those extra pounds and being full-term certainly helped in the days ahead. Would you believe that even after her 10-hour surgery on day 6, she never dropped below 7 lbs.?!


At birth, the size of a human heart is about the dimensions of an unshelled walnut. They would switch her two main arteries to the currect position. The whole thing is just so hard for me to fathom!


The day of her surgery was agony. My parents had come down to be with us and we found a waiting "room" that was really a courtyard with lots of plants and running water. A very peaceful setting with cushioned benches. We were in such a blur though, my memory is fuzzy. I do remember being unable to make even the smallest decision, like what I wanted for lunch. My uterus was shrinking and I was doubled over for awhile. I also was pumping regularly so Natalia could continue having my milk with the extra calorie formula they were adding. I'm glad we weren't alone, and that Pete wasn't carrying everything on his shoulders.



We saw her briefly post-surgery. I remember someone warning me about all the wires, tubes, and equipment, but I'll never forget her palor. I had never seen anyone so incredibly white like that before. That rattled me more than anything else that day.


Once she gained her strength enough to feed regularly, she came home at 3 weeks of age on Tuesday, January 17th. I'm not medically knowledgeable, but a mere 2 weeks for an infant to recover from open heart surgery seems pretty miraculous to me.

Looking back, we can see God's fingerprints all over this story. For one thing, the doctor who delivered her had not seen this particular heart defect in 16 years of practice. Two weeks prior to Natalia's birth, he delivered a little boy with the exact same thing!


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Today, 5 years later, as I was traveling the highway on the way to the grocery store, I passed a medical transport truck for the Penn State Children's Hospital. (That's who we see for her yearly checkups now.) I smiled and thought, maybe they're helping a cardiac patient today. :o)


We are so aware of God's kindness and mercy when we look at our daughter.


We certainly went through the emotions that accompanies trauma, but God protected us from fear. How? I have no idea other than by the power of prayer. God's peace overwhelmed us.


Today, when I look at Natalia's scar, I am reminded of God's faithfulness to us in that dark valley. It has lengthened to about 6" as she's grown, but it has faded in color.



I am thankful for it. And, I hope Natalia learns to think of it as her "Ebenezer", as Samuel called the stone he placed at the spot of Israel's re-dedication.

A reminder of God's mercy and restoration.

Sweet Conversation

This morning I observed my daughter pretending to talk to someone on her play cell phone. She does this quite often, and it's fun to listen in on her imaginative conversations.

This morning when I asked her who she was talking to she replied matter-of-factly, "Jesus." After I finished chuckling to myself I waited to see where her conversation would go. (Birthday parties, seeing her cousins or grandparents, and going to the grocery store are her favorite subjects.)

"Jesus, the girl at the playground yelled at me and told me to 'go away'! Can you help me?" she asked earnestly.

I knew of the incident she was talking about, and it was so sweet I couldn't help but get alittle teary. See, we've been talking with her a lot lately about being kind, even when other people are unkind. We tell her that it's hard for Daddy and Mommy to do that too, but we can always ask Jesus to help us. Her "make believe" phone call to Jesus encouraged me to keep pressing on...it's been a particularly challenging season in disciplining her.

It reminded me of the passage in Matthew that calls us to be like little children, being dependent on our Heavenly Father. How quickly we revert to our independent ways and bypass the grace that God gives to the humble.

Truly, there is no room for self-sufficiency where Christ reigns as king. Not in my daugher's heart as she seeks to respond with kindness; not in my heart as I seek to train her in godliness.

SAHM 101

The ladies over at Girl Talk posted a link to a great article by Heather Koerner the other day. I highly recommend you check it out. (I've linked to it at the bottom of this post.) No matter what stage you're in--single, married w/out kids, a Stay-At-Home-Mom with young or older children, an empty nester...it'll challenge your mindset about "homemaking" and bring fresh vision.

One quote that summed up my attitude lately was, "I know she'll face days when she can't see the eternal in one more jar of pureed peas and that the laundry doesn't look noble, it just looks filthy."

I'm praying that instead of seeing just the external, I will more intentionally look for the eternal in my day to day laboring. (And am asking for perseverance till this wintery weather is passed and we can get out in the sunshine...I realize this is a unique season of life too and it will be a thing of the past soon enough!)

I want my attitude to reflect Dorothy Patterson's words below. I want to keep my legacy in mind as I structure my day, discipline my daughter, and teach her to serve joyfully. I want to be generous in spirit, humble in heart, and intentional in my laboring.

Homemaking — being a full-time wife and mother — is not a destructive drought of uselessness but an overflowing oasis of opportunity; it is not a dreary cell to contain your talents and skills but a brilliant catalyst to channel creativity and energies into meaningful work ... it is neither limitation of gifts available nor stinginess in distributing the benefits of those gifts, but rather the multiplication of a mother's legacy to the generations to come and the generous bestowal of all God meant a mother to give to those He entrusted to her care.

Read the full length article by Heather Koerner here.

(Sniff) Ahhhhhhh.....

I don't know what it was, but yesterday's sudden warm temps and the smell of spring in the air did wonders for my psyche. :oP

Natalia had a 24 hr. stomach thing on Thursday (YUCK, but thankfully it was short-lived), Adam hit a growth spurt early in the week and was eating every 2 hours again, and we've all had a serious case of cabin fever!

Needless to say, I was so thankful for the glimpse of Spring, though it too was short-lived. I just needed the reminder, know what I mean? That, coupled with reaching a milestone last night--Adam went 6 hours, then 4, which meant I was only up at 2 and 6am--put a bit more spring back in my step this morning. I actually felt refreshed!

Throughout this last week though, when I was still in the thick of it, I found this. It comes from a post by Carolyn Mahaney on the Girl Talk blog, and after personalizing it and making it mine, I hung it on my refrigerator.

Here is my version--maybe it'll speak to you too.

Most of my days look pretty much the same.
I get out of bed each morning so I can do everything I did the day before.

I wash the dishes so they can be dirtied again.
I wash and iron the clothes so they can be worn and wrinkled again.
I pick up toys so they can be played with and scattered again.
I mop the floors so they can gather crumbs again.
I cook meals so that I can go to the grocery store again.
I make beds so they can be slept in again.
I wipe noses so they can run again.
I bathe little bodies so they can get dirty again.
I pick up Cheerios from the floor so that they can be spilled again.

Some days I wonder, if I do all I do, only to have it undone, am I really doing anything?

Then I realize that the mundane, repetitive nature of my days is actually full of significant, enduring work. By the grace of God, a home is being built, a family is being knit together, and souls (mine included) are being shaped for eternity.
God sees my laboring—especially what is considered insignificant—and He is pleased when I give it my best attention and effort.

God's transforming grace, which impacts my soul (and doesn't hinge on how I feel), does infinitely more than the scent of Spring on my psyche. Amen? :o)

Coveting Your Prayers

We're approaching Adam's 1 month milestone, and he continues to do well. The challenges have been mostly confined to the rest of us. Pete and I have been wanting to introduce the bottle to him so that when the need arises he will take it. I've been really struggling to establish a supply of extra milk this last week--further complicated by his growth spurt and wanting to feed every two hours some days and then Natalia and I catching nasty colds last Friday. Though Adam's nursing schedule has returned to a more manageable pace, Natalia and I continue to struggle to regain our health.

Please pray for us.

I know that in the grand scheme of things, it IS just a couple of colds, but when you combine it with the physical demands of breastfeeding, trying to protect and care for a newborn, and patiently handle a toddler who is beginning to react to having a sibling around...it's been really hard.

I was encouraged though this morning as I read Spurgeon's MORNING AND EVENING reference to Peter's desperate cry, "Lord, save me!" as he began to sink into the water.

Spurgeon reminds us that sinking times are praying times with God's children and that short prayers are long enough. Our sense of need for Him is more important than our verbiage, and just as the animals hurry to find protection from the storm, we should hurry to the mercy seat, pray, and find our security in Christ. Our situation may change little, but the strong arm of Jesus will hold us firmly in His grasp.

Hold me up, Lord...that's my prayer this morning.

The Blahs

I know it's partly hormones, the onset of much colder weather that makes me want to hibernate, part nesting, part restlessness, part exhaustion from a lack of sleep, and reaching that "uncomfortable" stage of pregnancy...

...but this week I've been fighting the blahs. Anybody identify?

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Realizing that there are not only external forces at work, I've been praying and asking the Lord for a spirit of contentment and joy in the midst of this "out-of-sorts" week. Strength to go about my daily tasks and patience to gently instruct the heart of my daughter (who I believe is also sensing change is a-comin' and has been particularly pushing the limits). Diligence in spending quiet moments with the Lord, remembering Him and His Truth throughout my day, and relying on his grace and provision because He is always there.

When I take my eyes off of myself and my circumstances, and I look at Him, my perspective changes. My situation may remain the same, but I don't.

Take a moment to look at the new header photo I posted. Does it not point to our Mighty Creator? Just as He orchestrates the changing of the seasons, He changes hearts...

Change my heart Oh God, and renew a right spirit within me.

Preparations and Resting in God

Since I hit my nesting phase not too long ago, I've found myself swinging towards one of two mindsets: planning planning PLANNING, and wishing I had an "OFF" switch to my brain.

The planning has had it's merits, and I'm thankful to have had the energy thus far to carry out most of it. Things like stocking our freezers with prepared meals, starting on some Christmas cookies, washing baby bedding and clothes, and gradually shopping for gifts. Whether my sense of urgency is premature or not, I'm anticipating being even more tired in the next few week.

The part that can quickly take me from the joy of working hard, to the place of worry and fretfulness is when I begin to rely upon my efforts too much and assume my plans are always going to work out the way I've intended. This is nothing new for me really...or confined to pregnancy...but something God's used to show me my tendency towards self-sufficiency over the years.

Am I truly counting on Him to provide for all of my needs?

Am I resting in the good and perfect provision that He HAS given (whether it looks like that to me at the time or not)?

Am I regularly positioning my heart to receive His peace in those seasons when life seems busy and I'm being pulled in many directions?

Am I taking time to sit and be still with Him?

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Nearly three years ago my "plans" were drastically changed in the matter of moments...my newborn baby girl's life and wellbeing were placed in the hands of strangers while I watched from the sidelines. Yet God's peace was there...and His perfect provision.

I must remind myself to trust only in the Lord as I now plan and wait in expectation for this little boy to arrive.

It's hard not to be anxious for my specialist's appointment next Monday--will he say I'll be induced early? Should I "count on" 3 more weeks or 6?

I must count on the Lord and rest in His timing.

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In what area of YOUR life are you sensing the need to grow in trusting and resting in Him?

Mountaintops and Valleys

I've alluded to a particularly difficult situation that Pete and I have been in since mid-July, and while we feel the details aren't appropriate to broadcast to the whole world, I wanted to give an update because I hope it encourages you to trust FULLY in the Lord for whatever you are going through at this very moment.

I was just telling a good friend that the last time I felt this desperate for God to provide and grant us peace was when Natalia was first born, and her health (her life) was completely out of our hands. Let me just say too, that that place is GRACE in disguise. Grace defined as "unmerited favor", and God's kindness to us.

How can I say this? Because I am convinced that God allows trials and challenges to come our way, not in an arbitrary way or because He doesn't care, but because He loves us, desires to grow us, teach us about who He is and who we are; to remind us that He provides for our very breath, wants to bless us, and desires to be our Lord.

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Look at the "titles" I encountered this past week in my quiet time with God, leading up to our big day on Friday. (They come from Charles Spurgeon's, MORNING AND EVENING devotional.)

"Why have you brought this trouble on your servant?" (Numbers 11:11)

"On whom are you depending?" (Isaiah 36:5)

"I will save you from the hands of the wicked and redeem you from the grasp of the cruel." (Jeremiah 15:21)

"Let us lift up our hearts and our hands to God in heaven" (Lamentations 3:41)(speaking of prayer)

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Hmmm...I don't count THAT as merely coincidence.


You see, Pete and I were thrust into a situation in which our integrity was called into question.

False claims were made by complete strangers.

We felt under attack.

The possible financial outcomes seemed daunting (and that word doesn't quite capture it!)

We felt a degree of obligation to speak the truth and defend ourselves...but recognized that it might not be enough, and we might have to "compensate" our accusers and trust that God would somehow and in some way provide for us to do so.

AND, in all of this, we felt that God wanted to increase our faith and trust in Him.



Would our reaction/attitude (when we met in person to try to resolve the matter) reflect our faith and trust in Christ to them?

Though we felt completely justified in our stance, would we be faithful to pray for those who were causing our hardship? To pray for their ultimate good?

Despite the blow to our pride, would we focus on how our accusers were defining us, or find rest in our Savior's definition of who we are?


Well, the outcome of Friday's meeting was extremely hard to swallow. We had NO IDEA how we were going to come up with that kind of cash within a month's time. (Especially with what we could sell, cut from our tight budget, and the interest rates banks are offering on loans these days!) ANYWAY, as we were faithful to pray for wisdom and provision (and even when we weren't) God was bringing about a solution. He was blessing our meager and imperfect efforts at faith and trust, and the end result was exponential!

God used a single source we weren't expecting to cover the full amount!
(THANK YOU! You know who you are!)

The significance of this is not lost on us...isn't God good? :o)

The Bumps Make It Memorable

So, last night could have been a complete disaster...

Pete's birthday is next week and in light of the fact that school has already started for him, I wanted to plan a last hurrah--something he and I could do and enjoy together. I found some great tickets to last night's Phillies game about a month ago and so the plan was to pawn Natalia off on the Grandparents and we'd hit the town! :o)

We headed out early, around 3pm for the 7 pm game, figuring traffic would be heavy and it'd be better to get there early. That ended up being one of many God moments we would experience.

Shortly after exiting the SureKill Expressway (I mean Schuylkill/PA Turnpike) we noticed the AC wasn't working...then a funny smell...then the smoke billowing out from under our hood.
Not a welcome sight!

To make a long story short, we blew a hose and "blindly" exited the highway within a mile of a Pep Boys. How kind of God, right? Two cell phones, 3 strangers, a patch kit, 1 super handy hubby, and a mountain of grace later we were on our way again! We arrived only 15 minutes after the start of the game and as a result didn't even have to pay for parking! :o)

All in all we had a great time and the Phillies smashed the LA Dodgers 8 to 1! Whoo Hoo!

But it just reminded us once again that our lives are not left to chance. We have the ability to make choices, but God is the Great Orchestrator. And He often uses the bumps in the road to teach us more about His character and our utter need for Him.